Wednesday, September 23, 2009
prison
I stare out the windows of my prison watching everyone else and I ask myself why am I in here only allowed to watch never to live. I want to do things with my life. Run, ride a bike, I want to dance with someone who truly loves me. I want to enjoy the day instead of dreading it. Mostly I want to be able to breath the fresh air. I can imagine the smell when i close my eyes, I can feel the sun on my skin the slight wind blowing my hair I just stand there and for a moment i forget I'm in prison. I want to be able to take my kids to a park and play. I want to take them on a well deserved vacation. I want to play a game of basketball with my son and watch him grow into a man. I want to take my daughter to the mall and watch her grow into a woman. I always wanted to live and work on a farm or a ranch somewhere. I want to go camping, take my kids fishing, I would love to take a hiking trip. I have all this energy and no where to go. I am locked behind these walls with only my thoughts to keep me company. My prison is not like other prisons you might know of, my cell is a 400lb cell i carry around with me every day. I cant look in the mirror because when I do I see myself trapped inside this cell only looking outward longing to be free. What I see is not the real me, I am trapped in here and I feel my self dieing a little bit more every day. I want to be set free
Saturday, December 6, 2008
ChildHood
Growing up I think I had a normal childhood. Except loosing a sister and the best friend I will ever know, it was normal. At least to me anyway. I lost something when willy died. I was never the same. Most kids growing up had lots of friends not me. My sister would go to friends houses on the weekends, I would go to my grandparents house. I loved it there. My granny and grandpa had a farm and I loved going there every weekend I could. My mom and dad would drop me off and I would just feel so free there. Like no one was judging me I could be me. We wake up at the crack of dawn eat breakfast and head out to the farm. Feeding the cows and mending fences. Clearing brush, fixing up the old cabin and of course bailing and hauling hay. I remember driving my first truck in the hay Field. My daddy let me drive the truck, it was a standard and had a fast idle. I thought I was the queen of the field. lol until they made me get out because I was driving to fast and they could not throw the hay fast enough to keep up with me. When we would get home we would clean up and cook dinner. After dinner we would take a bath and get ready for bed. Grandpa would always have a small glass of coke and a sinkers candy bar right before bed. Every night.
Nite time at my granny's house i can remember the smell of the sheets, ceder, the room would be the darkest of dark, The window would be open with a fan inside bringing in the breeze and the sounds of the crickets and the faint smell of pine trees. I would lay there thinking about what we where going to do the next day, thinking to myself i did not want to go home at the end of the weekend. My cousins Debbie, Dallas, and Nichole lived with granny and grandpa. Dallas and I where close. I remember this one time we had built a tree house and we would hid up there and when our sisters would walk by we would throw tinny rocks at them. lol man did we get into trouble. Man I miss those days. We would Play outside all day and at night we would catch lighting bugs. We would pinch off the green light and stick them on ourselves and run around pretending to be a lighting bug. Flying around hiding from the bats. lol If i could freeze time that would be one of the moments I would freeze. To not have a care in the world. Going back home was always hard for me. I wanted to stay at granny's house. I always knew I would be coming back so it was ok to go home. I Love you Granny.
Nite time at my granny's house i can remember the smell of the sheets, ceder, the room would be the darkest of dark, The window would be open with a fan inside bringing in the breeze and the sounds of the crickets and the faint smell of pine trees. I would lay there thinking about what we where going to do the next day, thinking to myself i did not want to go home at the end of the weekend. My cousins Debbie, Dallas, and Nichole lived with granny and grandpa. Dallas and I where close. I remember this one time we had built a tree house and we would hid up there and when our sisters would walk by we would throw tinny rocks at them. lol man did we get into trouble. Man I miss those days. We would Play outside all day and at night we would catch lighting bugs. We would pinch off the green light and stick them on ourselves and run around pretending to be a lighting bug. Flying around hiding from the bats. lol If i could freeze time that would be one of the moments I would freeze. To not have a care in the world. Going back home was always hard for me. I wanted to stay at granny's house. I always knew I would be coming back so it was ok to go home. I Love you Granny.
Friday, December 5, 2008
Best Friends
I was seven years old when my sister left and never returned, I had a best friend name willy he lived up the road from me. He was really my cousin but bests friends. We where the same age and loved the same things. I was going through some things but willy did not like it when I was sad. we did everything together. Willy had leukaemia, We knew he was sick but tryed not to let that get us down. Like I said I was a tomboy growing up and we would ride bikes, walk the creek near our house but mostly we would talk about everything. Willy would walk down to my house and we would be gone all day doing mostly nothing, I remember once he came down to get me and we went to the creek and looked for arrow heads, we thought it would be cool to dam the creek and make our own swimming hole. I remember it took us most of the day but we had a blast. He would throw hand fulls of mud at me and i would push him down in the water. My dad came looking for us and we got into truble for daming u[ the creek. We had to tare down the dam we had just built. I dont know what was more fun building it or taring it down. We did not care that we where in truble we had way to much fun that day to care about the truble we wher going to be in when we got home . I could tell him anything, and he would listen. He understood me. He cared about me. The way I felt about things. He was very sick and I was the only one that treated him like a kid not a kid who was dieing .
Willy was a small thing with a balled head. He could not ware a lot of clothes they bothered his skin so usually you saw him in his underwear and big rain boots. His family lived on a dairy farm and they had cows to be milked ever day you know those big rubber boots they would where in the barn? Well that was what he wore. I would get into so may fights over him. Kids making fun of him because of the way he would dress and the way he would look. Some times willy would not feel like going outside so I would go up to his house and hang out. I remember one time close to Christmas we where watching tv and all the new toys where being shown on tv Willy would say Oh mom I want that one for Christmas or that one and his mom would say ok willy you can have that one we will get that for you. He would look at me and say I wish they would not give me everything i wanted or at least not tell me. He wanted it to be a surprise. I would tell him that they just wanted him to be happy and not feel so bad they did not mean anything by it. He knew but he just wanted to be a normal kid. One day Willy's brother and sister came down to our house with out willy. I remember this day so well in my mind even not to this day. We where in our living room listing to the radio. I wanted willy to be there but they said that he had been sick and could not come down. We where listing to the music and talking when I heard a scream. I looked at my mom and she turned up the music as to drown out the scream. I dont know if anyone else had heard it no one did or said anything they just keep on talking and listing to the radio. It was late when we got to bed and I was tired. I remember falling right to sleepwhen my head hit the pillow. The next morning I Woke up with my mother sitting on my bed. I looked up at her and said hes gone isnt he? Yes she said he is gone Judy. No I shouted your lieing he is just at home not feeling good. Mom grabed me and said Judy he Is gone he died last night. What i can remember what I was told that Willy had died at home and the scream I heard was my aunt. I knew it I knew It. I could not believe it my best friend was no longer there. He would never come down the hill to get me to seek out our new adventure. I was alone and did not know what to do. We went and said our goodbyes. I don't remember much more about the funeral I blocked it out.
I miss him even now and I am 34 years old. Willy and I had something that I have never had since. A friend ship that lasted through everything even death. I think about him every day. Once I was in my young teens I was going through some things and was missing the talks Willy and I would have. He knew just what to say to make me feel better. I lay on my bed crying and thinking of him when i felt someone sit on the bed behind me. I rolled over and no one was there but I knew what It was.. It was willy. He is with me at all times and I know he was there with me in my room that night. He always knew when i needed him. I Love You Willy and I will see you again I know I will.
Willy was a small thing with a balled head. He could not ware a lot of clothes they bothered his skin so usually you saw him in his underwear and big rain boots. His family lived on a dairy farm and they had cows to be milked ever day you know those big rubber boots they would where in the barn? Well that was what he wore. I would get into so may fights over him. Kids making fun of him because of the way he would dress and the way he would look. Some times willy would not feel like going outside so I would go up to his house and hang out. I remember one time close to Christmas we where watching tv and all the new toys where being shown on tv Willy would say Oh mom I want that one for Christmas or that one and his mom would say ok willy you can have that one we will get that for you. He would look at me and say I wish they would not give me everything i wanted or at least not tell me. He wanted it to be a surprise. I would tell him that they just wanted him to be happy and not feel so bad they did not mean anything by it. He knew but he just wanted to be a normal kid. One day Willy's brother and sister came down to our house with out willy. I remember this day so well in my mind even not to this day. We where in our living room listing to the radio. I wanted willy to be there but they said that he had been sick and could not come down. We where listing to the music and talking when I heard a scream. I looked at my mom and she turned up the music as to drown out the scream. I dont know if anyone else had heard it no one did or said anything they just keep on talking and listing to the radio. It was late when we got to bed and I was tired. I remember falling right to sleepwhen my head hit the pillow. The next morning I Woke up with my mother sitting on my bed. I looked up at her and said hes gone isnt he? Yes she said he is gone Judy. No I shouted your lieing he is just at home not feeling good. Mom grabed me and said Judy he Is gone he died last night. What i can remember what I was told that Willy had died at home and the scream I heard was my aunt. I knew it I knew It. I could not believe it my best friend was no longer there. He would never come down the hill to get me to seek out our new adventure. I was alone and did not know what to do. We went and said our goodbyes. I don't remember much more about the funeral I blocked it out.
I miss him even now and I am 34 years old. Willy and I had something that I have never had since. A friend ship that lasted through everything even death. I think about him every day. Once I was in my young teens I was going through some things and was missing the talks Willy and I would have. He knew just what to say to make me feel better. I lay on my bed crying and thinking of him when i felt someone sit on the bed behind me. I rolled over and no one was there but I knew what It was.. It was willy. He is with me at all times and I know he was there with me in my room that night. He always knew when i needed him. I Love You Willy and I will see you again I know I will.
Why
I suffer from deep depression, and i guess in a way this will be a great therapy for me. I'm not very good with words and this may not make any since to any one but me, but blogging about it will help me deal with it better than i am now.
We all have storeys to tell. We are born and given choices. Our choices are made for us when we are babies and can not make them for ourselves. The moment we are born our story begins. How the story goes and even ends depend on what choices where made. I have a story to tell.
I grew up in what I thought to be the country. My par tents bought a piece of land and where going to build a house. We lived there in a trailer until my dad got up enough money to start building our home. We worked on the house a little bit at a time and finely got enough done to move into it. It was just a half of a house, no running water and heated by a wood burning stove. We had an outhouse, and I thought it was the coolest thing ever. I was a tomboy growing up, I did not care much for the girlie things.
I was so excited when my big sister Daleen was coming to visit us. It was going to be the first time she would see our new house. Daleen was from my dads first marriage and we did not get to see her very much. At bed time she would read us, my sister Tammy and I, a bed time story.
When she arrived at our new house we showed her around the new house, it wasn't much but it was home. She did not look very happy to be there. I heard my dad talking to her and a few hours later she was gone. I did not really know what happen no one really told me, I just assumed it was because of the house not being done and that we had no running water.
We never saw her again, only at family reunions and that sort of things. I know nothing about my big sister. I use to hate her for what she had done to me leaving me, forgetting about me and my sister. what did we do that was so bad that a sister would just forget about her baby sisters. I have seen my daddy cry three times and twice was over her and I hated her for that. To this day I dint really know what happen that day. She still dose not talk to us. I often wonder what would my story be like if Daleen would have stayed and loved me like a big sister should. What kind of person would i be now? would I be a better person? Or worse? I don't know what that answer would be. My sister Tammy, we don't have a close relationship and I think how close wold I be if Daleen gave me a chance to be a sister.
I have two children of my own. A girl and a boy. I tell them every day almost that they are the only friends they have. True friends love you unconditionally and brother and sisters are suppose to be there for each other watch out for one another and always love them. When you get older and need someone your brother will be there i tell my daughter and vise verse. Don't ever forget that I make them hug and make up. They hate it but they are young they will understand when they get older. I wish i had a sister that just loved me and wanted to be in my life. Cherish your brother and sisters now. Don't ask yourself "Why" don't they want to be in my life.
We all have storeys to tell. We are born and given choices. Our choices are made for us when we are babies and can not make them for ourselves. The moment we are born our story begins. How the story goes and even ends depend on what choices where made. I have a story to tell.
I grew up in what I thought to be the country. My par tents bought a piece of land and where going to build a house. We lived there in a trailer until my dad got up enough money to start building our home. We worked on the house a little bit at a time and finely got enough done to move into it. It was just a half of a house, no running water and heated by a wood burning stove. We had an outhouse, and I thought it was the coolest thing ever. I was a tomboy growing up, I did not care much for the girlie things.
I was so excited when my big sister Daleen was coming to visit us. It was going to be the first time she would see our new house. Daleen was from my dads first marriage and we did not get to see her very much. At bed time she would read us, my sister Tammy and I, a bed time story.
When she arrived at our new house we showed her around the new house, it wasn't much but it was home. She did not look very happy to be there. I heard my dad talking to her and a few hours later she was gone. I did not really know what happen no one really told me, I just assumed it was because of the house not being done and that we had no running water.
We never saw her again, only at family reunions and that sort of things. I know nothing about my big sister. I use to hate her for what she had done to me leaving me, forgetting about me and my sister. what did we do that was so bad that a sister would just forget about her baby sisters. I have seen my daddy cry three times and twice was over her and I hated her for that. To this day I dint really know what happen that day. She still dose not talk to us. I often wonder what would my story be like if Daleen would have stayed and loved me like a big sister should. What kind of person would i be now? would I be a better person? Or worse? I don't know what that answer would be. My sister Tammy, we don't have a close relationship and I think how close wold I be if Daleen gave me a chance to be a sister.
I have two children of my own. A girl and a boy. I tell them every day almost that they are the only friends they have. True friends love you unconditionally and brother and sisters are suppose to be there for each other watch out for one another and always love them. When you get older and need someone your brother will be there i tell my daughter and vise verse. Don't ever forget that I make them hug and make up. They hate it but they are young they will understand when they get older. I wish i had a sister that just loved me and wanted to be in my life. Cherish your brother and sisters now. Don't ask yourself "Why" don't they want to be in my life.
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